So.

Like a month ago, I was all, ‘The Boy’s going to be a big brother!! K bye.’ And then crickets from me about it.

I could tell you it’s been busy, which is true. I could tell you how I got the flu and was in bed for a week, and how I still have a cough and stuffy nose and all my extra energy has gone to fighting this cold, which is true. I could tell you how I got back yesterday from the Allume conference, where I worked 15 hour days and slept not enough and had a fantastic and full time, which is true.

Or I could tell you the truth, which is that I’m still terrified it’s all not real and I still look for blood every time I use the bathroom.

I have a gigantic belly. We’ve had three ultrasounds. The heartbeat’s thump has filled our ears. Baby is perfection, measuring to the due date. And yet… I’ve been utterly self-protecting by not talking about this baby at all. 14 weeks in, and still the fear that it’s not real or it will end. Which it always could. But I want to live into my word for this year, and choose the softness that will allow for joy. The vulnerability it takes to accept the joy is the hardest part of it all, I think. When you haven’t lost two babies, you don’t check the toilet paper for blood every time. You wait for any hint of a baby bump instead of buying shirts to hide it until your brain is actually able to grasp that it’s happened. You’re able to celebrate with your whole heart from the get-go. That is ok, and I am so happy you can do that!! But that’s not my reality, and that’s ok too.

I’m tired of being driven by fear and not allowing joy. That is a choice I can make. While so many things about pregnancy and child-raising are completely out of my control, the ability to choose joy is within my reach. So I’m making that choice, the one of joy, by sharing this with you:
14 weeks #girlwithbaby
{Please only say nice things. I’m a little overwhelmed at the size of that bump.} =)

-Anna
{girl with blog}{and toddler}{and baby}

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