I want to be a mother. My arms ache to hold a baby who looks a little like me, to smell her head, to kiss her cheek, to hear her cry. I want to be able to complain of sleepless nights and endless days and spit-up in my hair. If I see another pregnancy announcement on Facebook I might have a total breakdown. It’s getting harder and harder to fight the pit in my stomach when someone I love gingerly tells me that they’re expecting, or even when I see a pregnant lady on the street. I honestly want to be happy for them – and I think I might be, deep down – but it’s blinding, my ache for what they have.
Lord, there is so much to unpack about this – I can hardly say it – infertility. There are so many emotions I don’t even know where to start with them. Anger and resentment, towards You (I know You already know) and all the women who seem to get pregnant in a snap. A little desperation, because I can’t see anything good coming. Guilt, towards myself, because what if it’s something I’m doing or not doing? And guilt, as I turn down another shower invitation because I just can’t do it. And guilt, because my life is full of good things and all I can do is obsess over the one thing I don’t have.
Will You give me peace, Lord? Grace, towards myself and from me to others? Will You help me to find other voices on this same path, and some joy along the way? Strength to endure would be helpful. God, I don’t know if this is going to happen for us, but You do. You know. Help me to trust You even when I don’t want to, when I can’t see the reason or way. May simply knowing that You have plans for me be enough, if only for a moment.
*This prayer came from the depth of my heart. Our road to becoming parents has been a twisty one. In short and sweet list form, here is our story:
– 2008-2010: It took us over two years to become pregnant with our first baby
– July 2010: We lost that baby at 11 weeks
– Dec. 2011: Nine more months of inconclusive tests. I became pregnant and had our sweet Boy
– 2012-2013: It took us 17 months to become pregnant
– March 2013: We lost that baby at 5 weeks
– April 2014: We tried for another six months before becoming pregnant and having our Josie girl
I don’t claim to understand infertility entirely, but I’ve had a glimpse. If this prayer speaks to your heart, know that you aren’t alone. You are loved. You are noticed. You are prayed over. You are remembered. I don’t know what God has planned for you, but I do know He has plans that are just for you, for your good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.