i saw this tweet yesterday, and it made my heart quicken and unfroze my fingers.
@HeatheroftheEO: Listen to her RT @amyturnsharp: if you make your blog too precious- you won’t write on it very often. be messy. be flip. be nuts. be you.

this has not been how i’ve written lately. and i don’t like that. i’ve been unwilling to release the words, unwilling to be transparant. so with trembling hands and small letters, i’m bringing you my mess.

—————

last night we went in to the hospital (all is well! i’m fine!) i was having contractions that were 7 minutes apart, and accompanied by back pain. the on call doc thought it best to go in, so about 1am we drove to the hospital.

it was way too much of a reality check for me. driving the route. taking the elevator to the maternity ward. changing into a gown. being hooked up to monitors. wearing an id bracelet.

and then there were the questions from the nurse. “who is your babys’ pediatrician? do you have a birth plan? are you going to have an epidural?”

uhhh…

no, we don’t have a pediatrician yet. birth plan – um, have the baby? an epidural… i don’t want to have one, but am not opposed if i need it. um, does that answer your question? we had to pull our act together and i didn’t even know our act was apart!

i felt so unprepared and inadequate and worst of all, fearful. so so scared that i was going to have this baby that very night (even though there is not a chance of that happening anytime soon). there was no joy – just fear. that was the worst feeling of all – that of cold fear. i couldn’t breathe. what kind of girl fears the baby?! what did that mean for me, and what kind of mama i’m going to be?

when we found out all was well and there was no dilation or effacement and the contractions were easing up a bit, i breathed, and a few fingers of fear released their grip. yet today, i still feel a tiny hold. will we be ready to bring a baby home? to have every single one of our routines shattered? what if nysse the dog doesn’t like baby? what if baby doesn’t like us? will i know when to feed him? will i know what to do when her umbilical cord falls off? what if that makes me throw up? what will our marriage look like? will i truly feel like a mama, or just like i’m playing dress-up?

these questions… this is my mess.

-anna
{girlwithblog}
**this post is linked up with Heather for the 9th edition of Just Write. Hop over to visit other ‘freely written’ posts.**

anna
{girl with blog}
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